Don’t Lick the Minivan TRUMPS We Don’t Kiss Penises

As a voracious reader and a writer, I recommend books all the time.  There is nothing I love more than adoring a book, telling everyone and their pet pig about it and having them love it too so we can talk about it.

And then sometimes there is a book that is so wonderful that I can’t simply just recommend it, I have to INSIST that people read it. Insist because I guarantee it will be time well spent.

I have read one of those books. So get ready to 1-click your way out of Amazon immediately so you can start reading and fall in love with this book.

Without further blathering, the book is:

Don’t Lick the Minivan … and other things I never thought I’d say to my kids, written by the lovely Leanne Shirtliffe.

Don't Lick the Minivan by Leanne Shirtliffe

CLICK to buy from Amazon!

They say that laughter is the best medicine. If that’s true, then Leanne has the cure for whatever ails ya! She’s my modern day Erma!!

This book, which is a series of humorous essays, had me laughing, reminiscing and even tearing up with a lump in my throat.  It’s written with such honesty and slice-of-life humor, it becomes a fast friend. The essays take you through the real-life (and often quite unbelievable) adventures of life with twins, from conception to school days, starting in India (where you can get fashion advice if you chase down a transvestite) to the frosty climes of Canada.

As the subtitle suggests, there are examples throughout the book where Leanne admits things she’s said to her kids that she never imagined she’d say. In the spirit of Leanne’s fantastic book, I’m going to share one of those same moments from our family story vault. Because I doubt my sons will ever read this blog, I think I’m safe from their wrath … so do not tell them I told you!

Back about a million years ago, our boys were 4 and 2 and their little sister wasn’t yet a twinkle in my eye. The boys were still small enough that we could fix boo-boos with a kiss and a cuddle. This was back when they were inseparable, and little brother idolized big brother, following him around everywhere.

So one day 4 year old bolts off to the bathroom, with 2 year old hot on his heels. The seat is barely lifted when there is some interference from little brother, and well, you know where this is going. The seat comes crashing down.

All of male readers just clutched their crotch and piked themselves in half.

Dad and Mom race in, knowing something quite unfortunate has happened. Dad assesses the situation and groans, trying not to double-cup his own package. I scoop up the 2 year old, who is clueless. But our stoic 4 year old, with a sheen of tears in his green eyes, looks up to his very empathic father and asks, “Are you going to kiss it?”

With as much sympathy as Dad can muster, he gives his son the truth, the bad news …

Screen shot 2013-05-29 at 12.52.21 PM

Mom walks off with 2 year old. There may have been an “Amen!” involved, but I can’t recall for full certainty. ~cough~

Friends, let me tell you that this little story PALES in comparison to the fun you’re in for when you read Don’t Lick the Minivan. If you are a parent, if you love to laugh, you will LOVE this book. I promise you.

A copy of this book will be my go-to baby shower gift from now on.

I want to thank Leanne for writing with such wit and honesty and giving me a treasure of a book that I will reread because it was pure entertainment.



About Ginger Calem

I never met a notebook I didn't want to buy. Pens speak to me. Sticky notes are dear to my heart. Some of my best friends are those clambering in my head trying to get onto the page. And when they have their stories told, and I release them to the world, I hope they'll be your friends too.

Posted on May 29, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. OMG! I just cried with laughter. Thanks. Here, I thought my brother’s potty training experience with my mom was hilarious. (He’d been following dad around watching him “go potty”.) One day he followed my mom into the bathroom, watched her “go potty” and said in a very sad and confused voice…”Mommy! All GONE!” while pointing at her lady bits.

  2. I love that story, Ginger! And if your sons ever get the word that you’ve told you are so, so in for it. (I have a son; I know these things). Haven’t bought the book yet and I really can’t fathom why that is. Will remedy right now. Actually will buy 3. One for me, one for a friend who is having a baby and one for my daughter-in-law. Thanks for the laugh!!

  3. Trish Loye Elliott

    Love your story! I totally laughed out loud. I loved Leanne’s book too. Funny stuff!

  4. OMG, that story is priceless, Ginger. I’m not sure how your husband kept a straight face … or for that matter, how you did. Thanks for sharing your story and Leanne’s book. It sounds wonderful. 🙂

  5. A good laugh, Ginger, even if I did wince just a tiny bit 😉


  6. Lol Ginger. Having boys is an experience one never forgets girl. Thanks for suggesting Leanne’s new book! 🙂

  7. Oh my! That’s an awesome story. I love to hear that others have had these types of things happen to them. Thanks for the great post.

    • Hi Leanne! I think that’s why your book is so fantastic. We all have these things happen as parents but you put all that magic in a book with your wit and delivery and gave us a treasure to read. Thank YOU!!

  8. That was a good one! And thanks for the idea about this book. I have a few baby showers coming up and I get bored with the same gifts. Now I have a great gift idea that I bet no one else will have! 🙂

    • YES! You’ll give the best gift of the party. No burp cloths and onsies off the Target gift registry from you! Trust me, your gift will be remembered forever and likely passed down!

  9. That is priceless. I shall take a gander at the book. I am not a parent, but I’m sure there’s something in there that will warm my cockles just the dame.

    And the Calem house slogan is one that will go down in infamy.

    Love the post, Ginger!

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    • Hey Patricia. With your fabulous sense of humor, you’d LOVE Leanne’s book. Yes, I’m quite fond of the house slogan and believe it should be adhered to at all times. 😉

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