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I was tortured with string

So I got ‘Threaded’ today. I don’t know if you know what that means but I’m going to explain ALL. I had heard the term before and I knew it was a form of hair removal, like getting your brows waxed, only they use string somehow. I have friends who get threaded and they rave about it. For some reason I didn’t Google it. If I had I might have seen this video to know what I was getting myself into.

Only that girl in the video who says, “It’s painless …”

Guess what? She LIES!

So I go into my local nail spa that prominently displays THREADING in huge letters on the building. I inquire a bit about it and am told that it’s wonderful, better than waxing, only takes 10 minutes and all other sorts of accolades. I ask about the expense and am asked, “For brows?” At my nod, the woman, who at first glance doesn’t appear to enjoy inflicting pain, says, “Twelve dollars.”

Fine, I’m in.

I’m led to a room in the back with a reclined table/chair. Before I so much as settle in she’s at me armed with white string. Zip. Zip.

What sort of hell am I in?

With every zip of her thread, I’m pushing my head further back into the table. I scrunch my eyebrows up, anticipating the next attack.

“Relax your forehead”, says the woman wielding the dental floss of doom. I do my best.

I’m pretty sure I’ve lost an entire eyebrow.

Cue sneezing attack. This happens when I tweeze too. She hands me a tissue and is back to zipping in .004 seconds.

Cue stomach erupting in angry rumbling growls.

“You hungry?”

“Nope, just ate.” See, my stomach has this tendency to go into a massive fight or flight response to pain or extreme relaxation. At a recent massage, my massage therapist commented that he was flattered. Today, this was no flattery.

She asks me to use my fingers to lift up my brow with one hand and push down on my lashes with the other because ‘the tighter the skin, the less it hurts’.

Cue Ginger attempting to rip her eyelid apart.

It is explained that threading is better than waxing or tweezing because you get all the hairs, even the little, soft, downy hair that no one sees and are just minding their own damn business.

So the hairs are being yanked out by their follicles, only unlike tweezing, where you pull them out one by one, you can yank out a whole row of hairs. Lots of hairs people, all in one zippity-do-da of a thread pull.

The woman explains how waxing is bad and it damages your skin permanently. (I already know this, thank you very much.) I mention that I hardly ever wax. In fact, I add that I’ve only waxed maybe 5 times in my life.

“Hhmm,” she mumbles.

Did she just call me a liar?

As I’m enduring this treatment, I think back to her question when I inquired about the price. You know, ‘For brows’, she asked. It got me to thinking about what else might get threaded. My tender armpits? My lip? ~~shudder~~ Or what about … on no, let’s just not ever think it again. I will purge that thought from my brain forever.

She gets to the area between my brows. “Lots of hairs in the middle.”

Yes, thank you for adding insult to pain.

Ziiiippp!

Holy mother of all that is merciful in the universe … be done already.

She mentions something about being painful the first time. So many hairs. Better next time.

She trashes her string. I’m pretty sure I’ve survived and she pulls out some tweezers.

Oh, kill me now. What happened to ‘all the hairs’ with the string? After she gives her last finishing touches, she hands me a mirror.

I still have eyebrows! And they look GOOOOD.

Freshly threaded eyebrows

Freshly threaded eyebrows

Thank you merciful heavens!

I pay her the twelve dollars plus I tip her 2 more. Why? Well, you’re supposed to, but also because before she started, she asked me my name, and told me hers. When I paid, she thanked me by name. I like that. (And she really wasn’t trying to be mean. Just doing her job.)

Furthermore, I have to admit that I will likely go again? What does that say about me? Maybe don’t answer that.

Tell me, have you been threaded?

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